Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
