Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize