I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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