The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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