The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
