he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
