Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i dont even know how to be here
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
