Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
