I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize