Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
