Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
