From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Randomize
