You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
