dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
