when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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