Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
