Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
