Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize