The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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