Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
