Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
