im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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