Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
