Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
