You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
