By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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