hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
