Duck Duck Cougar?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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