I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I checked into jail on foursquare
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
