i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
