one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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