y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
