While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
