I think my vagina is haunted
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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