It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
