I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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