Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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