you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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