So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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