i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we're making bets on your personal life
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
