I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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