mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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