i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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