All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
