Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
