Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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