Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Randomize
