Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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