um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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