I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
