evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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