My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
