I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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