Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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