I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
