Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
