if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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