A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize