I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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