Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We talked him into tasing himself.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize