Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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