he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
