He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
